what the hell is "ishoos"?... please read as "issues"... i'm just being weird... i have ishoos. I recently moved again.... and everytime I move, there are these boxes I always bring with me... a box of "memories"... old shit.... random baseball cards that have no value... maybe some old photos... a lot of random nick nacks that i should probably just throw out... but that's my life... that who I am... i don't resolve... my problems.. my ishoos.... i shove them into little boxes... i hide them away... hey, its in order... its in that box, so its taken care of... years and years... move after move... i carry these boxes... shove them in closet corners or under my bed.... i don't care... out of sight, out of mind.... but its starting to spill over.... almost 30 years of life.... this shit is starting to catch up with me...
i must have been in 2nd or 3rd grade... some of my classmates had divorced parents... i remember wanting to fit in... that cute, naive thinking... so i told them that I thought my parents were going to divorce too.... which wasn't far from the truth... at the time, my dad had gone to Korea to start a business... he would come back and forth to visit... my mom must have asked me about my day or something because I told her how I told my classmates how I thought she and dad would divorce.... and she taught me the lesson of shame... it was a shameful thing for me to say... i shouldn't share that stuff with my classmates... shame shame shame...
i wish i had another lovely anecdote to illustrate how i started to repress my emotions, but i dont... i think that was more of a process.... i don't know if its just my mom... i doubt it.... i think its a korean mom thing... but a lot of "passion"... uncontrollable emotion... sometimes an incredible barrage of love... or the fiery scorch of rage... no... that rage never really manifest itself in physical violence... more of the verbal type... the type of hateful lava of words spewing out without discretion carving a path of destruction.... when it would settle, my mom would look at the carnage and start to try to rebuild... because that was all that could be done.... and from that i resolved to never let my emotions control me... i would shove them down.. i would have logic and rational guide me... why rebuild... there's nothing to rebuild if nothing is destroyed... and i blamed emotions... emotions were bad... emotions can't be controlled... shove them in that box and keep the lid closed with logic.... more like mantras i would repeat.... no no no... don't feel... keep it inside.... you don't want to destroy.... don't be stupid, its just emotions....
look, that last part isn't entirely true, but you get a sense of where i'm coming from.... i'm not some unfeeling socio-path... and i'm sure people have seen me express emotions... but there is a lot of times where there is that deliberate move where I do try to shove my emotions down.... and i do think it has saved me from a lot of shit.... the shit people do or say in the heat of the moment... don't get me wrong, of course i've had those moments... but i've had moments too where i've shut my fucken mouth and stood still and i'm glad i did... because it would have been something i would have regretted.... but it works the other way too... how many potential relationships never got started or became as strong or wonderful or meaningful as they could have been because i didn't follow my emotions... i think that's a harder thing for me to reconcile.... i guess that concept is more vague... or maybe because its something i missed out on, so i dont want to analyze as much... but it is something i have to consider as well...
that's it for now... off to work
